I hate it!
Every time I have dropped Gran off at home since Grandpa died, I hate what I am doing. I love driving her home, sitting with her ahd chatting and having a cup of tea. But I hate walking out of her front door, on my own, leaving her on her own. It just so unfair. Yes Grandpa is in a heavenly place, with his Lord and Saviour, but the pain back here is so strong. Walking down Gran's drive and getting into my car, seeing her stand at the front door waving me away, get me every time. I drive home and the first 10 minutes I just switch off and get so angry and cry and shout.
Today, I made a breakthrough, I rang Gran from University for the first time since I moved here. We had a lovely chat about all sorts of things, how I was, how she was.
She mention that she dreamed about Grandpa last night. That she was sitting on a bus looking out of the window and the bus just drove past him, and he turned and looked at her.
Then we said goodbye, that we loved each other and missed each other and hung up. And nwo here I am sitting infront of my laptop crying my eyes out, typing furiously, and shaking. Why is saying Good bye to Gran so tough? Why is the grief so painful? Where is the comfort of the Lord?
I hate it!
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Trust in the Lord
Today's wordlive is all about trusting in God.
I found this relfective meditation particularly helpful...
http://www.scriptureunion.org.uk/2981.id?sessionid=14995&activityid=81273
I found this relfective meditation particularly helpful...
http://www.scriptureunion.org.uk/2981.id?sessionid=14995&activityid=81273
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Our God Reigns
This morning's WordLive study...
This world is living in sin. All we do is a struggle between godliness and evil. God, the great creator has allowed his creation to fall. The Beast seems to be running the show, allowing death and decay. However, God who raised Jesus from the dead, is restoring and renewing His creation, taking people home to Glory.
16Then the twenty-four elders, who were seated on thrones in God's presence, knelt down and worshiped him. 17They said,
"Lord God All-Powerful, you are and you were, and we thank you. You used your great power and started ruling. 18When the nations got angry, you became angry too! Now the time has come for the dead to be judged. It is time for you to reward your servants the prophets and all of your people who honour your name, no matter who they are. It is time to destroy everyone who has destroyed the earth."
(Revelation 11:16-17)
This world is living in sin. All we do is a struggle between godliness and evil. God, the great creator has allowed his creation to fall. The Beast seems to be running the show, allowing death and decay. However, God who raised Jesus from the dead, is restoring and renewing His creation, taking people home to Glory.
16Then the twenty-four elders, who were seated on thrones in God's presence, knelt down and worshiped him. 17They said,
"Lord God All-Powerful, you are and you were, and we thank you. You used your great power and started ruling. 18When the nations got angry, you became angry too! Now the time has come for the dead to be judged. It is time for you to reward your servants the prophets and all of your people who honour your name, no matter who they are. It is time to destroy everyone who has destroyed the earth."
(Revelation 11:16-17)
why i do what i do
As part of my course, I have to continually asses my work. I have to keep a 'reflective learning journal', which is an ePortfolio of my professional training. This seems like very dull, laborious work. However, it will allow me, in four years time, to look back and follow my studies through the course and see progression and how experience has changed how I think and work.
As I started this tonight I was reminded of the questions that we are to pose to ourselves, 'why?'. I have been instructed when relfecting, to ask myself 'why did I do what I did?' seven times, and only then will I have a truly accurate answer.
This evening, this led my to question why I am study here at Queen Margaret Univesity.
Why am I studying Drama and Performance?
I want to study Drama and Performance in order to develop my own abilities and skills as a performer, as well as developing a strong understanding of the theory of Drama.
Why?
Because I love drama, I love going to the theatre and watching theatre. I love being part of the process of making theatre, both as an actor, technician and audience member. I want to develop my skills in order to persue a careers in the arts, whether as a performer, or as a teacher.
Why?
Because I believe that God has gifted me with skills in the field of drama and performance, and because I want to use my gifs to serve him.
Why?
Because I want to serve my Lord and my God, by using the gifts that he has given me.
Why?
Because I believe that God has handed over His most precious Son, Jesus, to Death on a cross, in my place, and because of this amazing love I can have a relationship with my creator God. And because of this I want to use my gifs for Him, as an act of service towards my God.
Why?
Because I believe that God wants me to use my gifts to share the amazing message of Jesus. To bring many people into and knowledge and love of the Lord, by the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life.
Why?
Because if God has been able to work such a transformation in my life, through Jesus, why would I want to keep that to myself? Surely everybody needs to hear that amazing message, and believe it for themselves.
So, from those 7 'whys' I get from wanting to study something I love, to serving God and sharing the message of His redeeming love. Go on.. try it for yourself!
As I started this tonight I was reminded of the questions that we are to pose to ourselves, 'why?'. I have been instructed when relfecting, to ask myself 'why did I do what I did?' seven times, and only then will I have a truly accurate answer.
This evening, this led my to question why I am study here at Queen Margaret Univesity.
Why am I studying Drama and Performance?
I want to study Drama and Performance in order to develop my own abilities and skills as a performer, as well as developing a strong understanding of the theory of Drama.
Why?
Because I love drama, I love going to the theatre and watching theatre. I love being part of the process of making theatre, both as an actor, technician and audience member. I want to develop my skills in order to persue a careers in the arts, whether as a performer, or as a teacher.
Why?
Because I believe that God has gifted me with skills in the field of drama and performance, and because I want to use my gifs to serve him.
Why?
Because I want to serve my Lord and my God, by using the gifts that he has given me.
Why?
Because I believe that God has handed over His most precious Son, Jesus, to Death on a cross, in my place, and because of this amazing love I can have a relationship with my creator God. And because of this I want to use my gifs for Him, as an act of service towards my God.
Why?
Because I believe that God wants me to use my gifts to share the amazing message of Jesus. To bring many people into and knowledge and love of the Lord, by the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life.
Why?
Because if God has been able to work such a transformation in my life, through Jesus, why would I want to keep that to myself? Surely everybody needs to hear that amazing message, and believe it for themselves.
So, from those 7 'whys' I get from wanting to study something I love, to serving God and sharing the message of His redeeming love. Go on.. try it for yourself!
Saturday, 18 September 2010
not getting enought sleep
So... university life... what is it like... There are good and bad bits.
The bad... my flatmates are lovley people, but my word they like to drink, a lot. They have an uncanny ability to down vast volumes of the alcoholic stuff, and it seems to have very little affect upon them. They are loud, rude, they have parties late into the night, and we have had a huge range and variety of guests, not once have I been asked to they can have people round. They have however, informed me of their planned guests by post it notes left on my door, and which point it is quite difficult to discuss the details. It is very easy to sit here and slag my new flatmates off, it is even easier to do it and to enjoy getting all this off my chest. However, it would be totally unfair to do this... They are a lovely bunch of people, when sober, they can be very deep and thoughtful. I just know that God has put me in this flat for a purpose, so I want to keep on going, praying daily that by His Spirit he will give me grace enough to deal with it. That he will give me the right words to say, and the right attitude, these people NEED to know Jesus love personally.
The good... the Christian Union is a godly group of people, who love the Lord Jesus, and love each other. I have fitted in and am very excited for what the Lord has planned for the CU over the next few weeks, months and years.
My course seems like it will be enjoyable, and many of it's aspects are what I really enjoy. Theatre History, practitioners etc. I am looking forward to developing a deeper ability to relfect, which is one major part of the course.
So, at the end of Freshers' week, I write some good and some bad, but as one of my new CU friends has just reminded me... every cloud has a silver lining, perhaps I should look to the clouds and find some linings!
The bad... my flatmates are lovley people, but my word they like to drink, a lot. They have an uncanny ability to down vast volumes of the alcoholic stuff, and it seems to have very little affect upon them. They are loud, rude, they have parties late into the night, and we have had a huge range and variety of guests, not once have I been asked to they can have people round. They have however, informed me of their planned guests by post it notes left on my door, and which point it is quite difficult to discuss the details. It is very easy to sit here and slag my new flatmates off, it is even easier to do it and to enjoy getting all this off my chest. However, it would be totally unfair to do this... They are a lovely bunch of people, when sober, they can be very deep and thoughtful. I just know that God has put me in this flat for a purpose, so I want to keep on going, praying daily that by His Spirit he will give me grace enough to deal with it. That he will give me the right words to say, and the right attitude, these people NEED to know Jesus love personally.
The good... the Christian Union is a godly group of people, who love the Lord Jesus, and love each other. I have fitted in and am very excited for what the Lord has planned for the CU over the next few weeks, months and years.
My course seems like it will be enjoyable, and many of it's aspects are what I really enjoy. Theatre History, practitioners etc. I am looking forward to developing a deeper ability to relfect, which is one major part of the course.
So, at the end of Freshers' week, I write some good and some bad, but as one of my new CU friends has just reminded me... every cloud has a silver lining, perhaps I should look to the clouds and find some linings!
Saturday, 11 September 2010
The Adventure Begins...
How appropriate is it that the reading for today is entitled ‘an adventure begins’. Today, my first day at QMU, and the adventure has begun.
If I want to be part of the good news story here in QMU, then there are some things that I must do. I am turning my back on comfort, living at home, being cooked for, and moving out into a new life, I need Jesus with me every step of the way.
How did I first realise that this was the place for me to study? It was the sense of total peace when I walked through the doors for the first time. The picturing in my mind that I could actually study and be happy here, and this far, I am. Praise the Lord!!
So To God Be the Glory. Four people know that I am a Christian, the first four people I have met properly, I pray that God will bless these conversations.
Home sickness hasn't hit yet, but I am sure it will.
Friday, 10 September 2010
The End of a Chapter...
It does seem rather apt to be writing this blog post on the ifnal day of Big Brother, ever, but I can assure you that this post has nothing to do with said television show.
Tonight is my last night in my own my bed before i become an undergraduate tomorrow. This week has been a week of mixed emotions.
It has been a real blessing say see people this week, to laugh with them, and catch up and say farewell. The most difficult goodbye is saying goodbye to my Gran. Over the last year I have grown so close to her as we laugh, cry, grieve and mourn together the calling home of my grandpa. Whenever I drop her off, I never manage to keep a dry eye. I hate leaving her, seeing her pain, I really hate leaving her on her own. And so therefore, I feel a hufe rip as a i leave her for a loing period of time. But our God is strong, holing her in His hands, and because of this, I know that I can leave her, and it will be tough, but His plan is greater.
This last week has been a really bizarre time. It still hasn't sunk in really that I am starting university tomorrow! So a mixture of not packing, because it doesn't really feel like I need too! But alas, today is the day... all the bags are packed, the car is fully loaded, and Mummy, Daddy and Cammy Potts are about to head north and move me into Edinburgh!
So, what am I looking forward to?
I a really looking forward to meeting lots of new people, making new, lifelong friends, developing my drama, finding a new church family to become part of... but mostly I cannot wait to go further with God, I am looking forward to growing deeping in my faith, learning more about myself and my relationship with God through what the next few years holds for me. And even though I know very little of what it will hold, I am certain that it is going to be good. I want to be able to glorify God through my actions, my words and me deeds. I want to lift high the name of Jesus in Edinburgh, and I want to be involved in the journey to faith and the journey of faith of many people. This is my prayer.
There is a niggle in the back of my mind, that my work will be futile, but that is selfish, and I feel stupid for feeling this way.
I know that God will be working in my life, so really that explains why the excitment out weighs my anxiety.
But, now it is time to head to bed, to sleep well, and rest while I get ready to go.
Next post, will be from Edinburgh!!!
How exciting!
Tonight is my last night in my own my bed before i become an undergraduate tomorrow. This week has been a week of mixed emotions.
It has been a real blessing say see people this week, to laugh with them, and catch up and say farewell. The most difficult goodbye is saying goodbye to my Gran. Over the last year I have grown so close to her as we laugh, cry, grieve and mourn together the calling home of my grandpa. Whenever I drop her off, I never manage to keep a dry eye. I hate leaving her, seeing her pain, I really hate leaving her on her own. And so therefore, I feel a hufe rip as a i leave her for a loing period of time. But our God is strong, holing her in His hands, and because of this, I know that I can leave her, and it will be tough, but His plan is greater.
This last week has been a really bizarre time. It still hasn't sunk in really that I am starting university tomorrow! So a mixture of not packing, because it doesn't really feel like I need too! But alas, today is the day... all the bags are packed, the car is fully loaded, and Mummy, Daddy and Cammy Potts are about to head north and move me into Edinburgh!
So, what am I looking forward to?
I a really looking forward to meeting lots of new people, making new, lifelong friends, developing my drama, finding a new church family to become part of... but mostly I cannot wait to go further with God, I am looking forward to growing deeping in my faith, learning more about myself and my relationship with God through what the next few years holds for me. And even though I know very little of what it will hold, I am certain that it is going to be good. I want to be able to glorify God through my actions, my words and me deeds. I want to lift high the name of Jesus in Edinburgh, and I want to be involved in the journey to faith and the journey of faith of many people. This is my prayer.
There is a niggle in the back of my mind, that my work will be futile, but that is selfish, and I feel stupid for feeling this way.
I know that God will be working in my life, so really that explains why the excitment out weighs my anxiety.
But, now it is time to head to bed, to sleep well, and rest while I get ready to go.
Next post, will be from Edinburgh!!!
How exciting!
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